She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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