Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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