There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
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I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
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She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize