I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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