dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
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WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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