He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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