just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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