do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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