2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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