ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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