So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
false alarm. still invincible.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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