i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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