I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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