And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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