Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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