Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize