my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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