I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
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hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
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Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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