Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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