if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
why is half of my head shaved?
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