yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My vagina just recognized that song.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize