Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize