My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
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You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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