You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize