My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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