Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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