I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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