I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
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He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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