I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
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Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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