Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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