in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
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The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
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After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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