I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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