Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
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thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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