Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize