Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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