and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize