I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize