all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
