you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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