There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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