True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
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YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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