im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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