Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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