So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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