ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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