please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
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If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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