every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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