woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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