Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
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Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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