I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize