I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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